Kosan Annuriah belakang halte TransJakarta Imigrasi, Jakarta Selatan.
I am 24 years old and my life now is so dull. It’s too much that it becomes upsetting. I get mad easily. I get irked surprisingly fast. And this, this is not the kind of life I wanted.
I woke every very morning at 5 just to follow my 6-3 work routine. I sometimes go on foot, hop on GrabBike, or take a bus to get to work. Sit in front of my computer THE WHOLE DAY until it’s over and I can thankgodly rush home. The clock ticked so slow it irritated me. Funny still, I get home feeling drained that even reading books, writing a diary, or watching a one-hour movie become so impracticable.
I feel so exhausted that I don’t even dare to have this conclusion: Running my fingers only for 8 hours and I am completely worn out at the end of the day (?)
I mean, when I was in college, I worked two jobs, physically and mentally engaged, in a day. I broadcast at one radio station and taught children in their houses. I repeat, “in their houses”, there is a -s in there. I raced off from one address to another in full mode, trying to get each on time since the schedule is tight and I resent being late in one session as it would screw up the next. I got home really late, but managed to watch movies, had some late-night chat with my parents (lol), listened to my preferred radio broadcasting, did other things, yet, not a single time in that period, I felt exhausted.
I wish I could make some meaningful judgments. Throw data barehanded into a bell curve and draw the line. It might result in disappointing, but at least numbers don’t lie. At least I don’t have to suffer feeling jaded.
Aside from my ‘trade time with money’ thing, I accomplished to (not to brag) maintain my GPA over 3, got flattered easily, and hung out all the way around with my friends. It is LOL that I occurred to have friends in several circles. When I write ‘circles’, it refers to a bunch of people having totally distinct characters to the otherwise. It’s like me being so religious-proper person in circle A and a let’s-get-crazy person in circle C. It was weird but I had a lot of fun. I yet had time to hike mountains, go down low inside a cave, or wake up ‘feeling good like I should’ at beaches: watching that waves splashing, dashing white sand, the sounds of wind, laying so loosely in a small tent with people who truly care and I care for, the assumption that it is unlikely to reoccur makes me painfully miss them now :((
Life was so busy, my body ached, but I am mentally happy and satisfied.
Oh yeah, satisfaction. Been a while, I don’t have that tingly feeling running over my chest anymore. Gosh, this is scary.
I thought life would be so challenging when I am growing up. Turns out it’s not.
I have to admit my job is fine.
My life is fine.
I eat just fine.
Hardly exercise, fine.
My love life sucks, fine.
People being bitch, fine.
Drat! It is not fine being fine! ‘Fine’ is a lame word. It is a lazy word. It has no traction, no passion, zero energy. I don’t like my life being JUST fine.
It is not right that I get bored quickly with my job, I eat crap, I care neither for my body nor my mental state, some people are toxic, and I longed for affection. It is not fine to be in this kind of ‘fine’.
I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want me to be happy and lovable. I want me to believe I am worthy. I want to gambol around like a bunny and be passionate. I want a job that makes me wake up with a smile every and each morning. I want to get home and say “Wow, this is nice!”. I want to read books, kiss the smell and touch of nature. I want me to be challenged. I want to feel nervous. I want to earn good money. I want to make people who are significant to me happy. I want to exercise, run a marathon dying to get to a finish line like a champion whatsoever. I want to eat healthy because my body deserves that. I want to be a good daughter, a great lover and an awesome friend. I want to be excited about small things and serendipity. I want my life to be simple but satisfying. Oh Gosh, I want to be me.