pls see my pretty nails and my look-so-good coffee, they are in sync!
cutie
30 and then some
Dear diary,
Hehe, diary ga tuh.
It’s been a while since I visited you ya! Last post posted in 2021 when I was 26 years old. Thought it was a big deal, but seeing from my present self, 26 was a small little baby. Most of my time feels like racing, the path of finishing levels.
Now, there is a part of me thinking that I failed, my age is getting so serious and I am not where I wanted to be: I don’t have the career that I fancy; do not have a house; a car; or a business so that I don’t necessary need to clock in 9-5. Can’t help but thinking “did I waste this past 30 years of my life?”
Oh ya, there was some family issue happened tho I already solved it. I complained on how people act so thoughtless and became my burden, when all my life I tried my best not to burden them— I think it’s unfair. May it became the last. Tapi kok naif ya, kenapa berharap isi kepala orang sama, ekspektasi memang bikin beban (tip 1).
But, 29 to present, kupikir jadi periode paling kesepian selama aku hidup. Sedari sekolah dasar hingga sarjana, hidup dilalui dengan jelas; titik-titik yang harus dijalani tampak. Selepas lulus dan bekerja, diri bagai diantar ke hutan belantara, kemudian ditinggal. Apa coba yang harus hamba kerjakan? Keterampilan untuk mencari makan dan shelter bisa dicari dan dibangun sebab sudah belasan tahun belajar, tapi trus apa lagi?
Oh ternyata ini toh maksudnya hidup, menjalani kehidupan.
Tapi ya, gegara saking ga taunya mau ngapain, I did a lot of things. Pernah daftar taekwondo walau akhirnya berhenti karena ga cocok. Pernah diet sampai turun 27 kg in 3 months trus rambut rontok karena defisit kalori DAN NUTRISI [kapok]. Belajar CPNS, BUMN, apply kerjaan lain, I even applied magister LPDP dan disidang di wawancara substansi gara-gara bilang mau jadi peneliti di BRIN tapi gatau kalau syarat peneliti BRIN adalah S3. LOL
Aku juga sekarang lebih mindful sama kesehatan, suka jalan pagi atau malam di GBK, kadang sama Veri. Ke sananya naik KRL dan TJ, walau jalan kaki sebetulnya bisa jalan di sekitar kosan, tapi rasanya lebih ada semangat kalau jalan di arena yang khusus buat olahraga, anggap saja going outside biar ada gambaran dan engga sumpek.
OH IYA, kalau ada yang lagi baca ini dan lagi depresi, coba jalan kaki pagi, jalan aja kek senior citizen, 5k steps cukup. I seriously think it helps to make your mood better. Aku ngomong gini karena aku pernah hampir mau dibawa ke RSJD—, dan kena matahari pagi bikin aku semacam punya perasaan “oh it’s not that bad, life worth living”. Gitu.
Nah, sampe mana ya tadi, oh ya soal menjalani kehidupan.
Ya karena sekarang di hutan tanpa guideline, I think I need to do what I feel right. I just hope I am always safe and sound. Demikian, I hope trusting my gut is the correct decision. Nobody knows life, right? Prioritasku cuma sehat, selamat, happy, dan engga hidup susah. Sudah lahir begini gamungkin gagal juga. Kurasa yang urgensi ya soal karir. I am planning to be Mandarin translator/ interpreter so I am going to take the course. I feel it’s right to upgrade my skills and strengthen my bargaining power. By that, I hope I can work in place I am proud of, learning 3-5 other languages, having a house and a car, living overseas. And open 10 cafes around the world.
WOW, did you read that?
BTW, I need to cook dinner, here are some pics of my life:
26
I’m making such a big move. Not quite sure what the future holds but I’m feeling something. Be proud, me.
si cantik
Sayang, aku tiba-tiba ingat kamu.
Kamu apa kabar? Masih suka memotret langit? Yang katamu baiknya lebih kucintai daripada aku mencintaimu. Masih kah kau begitu?
Manisnya.
Di kantor tadi, temenku mengeluh soal gaji. Lalu aku dengar lagunya Hindia yang Secukupnya. Tahu, tidak? Aku jadi ingat kamu. Aneh, bukan?
Kamu paling cuma ketawa. Iya, tahu, aku aneh. Udah, terima aja.
Perasaanku sepi. Aku kangen kamu.
Sayang, kamu lagi apa?
Di sini sunyi, mendung, dan dingin. Kapan kita kembali ke Lembang?
Duduk di lantai hotel, di atas karpet samping tempat tidur ngobrol panjang.
Whiskey masuk hilang kutelan khatam. Memandangmu tersenyum saja terasa nyaman, terasa benar. Kamu lagi apa?
Oh kau tahu, kemarin aku interview kerjaan, sore ini kuterima kabar. Aku ditolak! Alhamdulillah. HAHA
Aku bingung, sayang. Aku lupa pernah melamar. Aku malas berusaha. Kamunya tidak ada.
Gimana? Kamu masih ngurus negara? Sudahlah, istirahat dulu. Kamu tidur malam, lupa makan, kasian. Kau tahu aku jauh, tolong kasih aku mercy. Kamu bilang aku tak perlu khawatir. Aku bilang kamu egois. Di harimu isinya kerja, di hatiku isinya kita.
Jakarta masih membosankan. Puisiku jalan di tempat.
Kamu, kapan kita ke mana? Nomorku masih sama.
anon bot telegram
“May I kiss you, then?”
“Why do you even have to ask?”
“I need your consent.” I smiled, trying my best not to show how fuck that mild lust last. That skin texture and the brownish acne scar, I’m a sucker for that.
“Do me, just do.”
And I did.
You know, having, lucky enough, encountered many bitterness in this world, I really see kindness almost like a godsend. Something unreal.
There are times when I assumed my way of doing thing’s cool but people find it sucking cheap. Not gonna lie, it hurts. I got really offended and mad. Yet, the more I contemplate, the more I see why. The thing is, I regarded myself so high so distinctive and jumbling around correcting people. I assumed it gave me superpower and satisfaction. I assumed they’ll get wowed. I assumed they’ll get hypnotized and like me, the truth is, they don’t and I’m just a big fat narcissist.
“Hey, look at me!”
I lack many but fill my bone with so much ignorance. I wanna be perfect but perfection kills. It’s like a big clear mirror. I like myself in that reflection to get better, skinnier, wiser, prettier. But sometimes, I get myself too close that I can’t even see anything. It’s just me facing my nose. It’s just me and nothing.
My perspective towards perfection changes gradually over time. Perfection is now more like an inside job. How I see the world is MY inside job.
“Tong kosong berbunyi nyaring.”
Yeah, that’s me. I like the way Tuhan rings the bell. The burns I feel every time I get offended is my warning sign, telling me to shut up and touch the ground. People are going through something. ALL of us are. There’s no need to be such an ass. Plausibly, we can choose to be kind.
teh tong tji 12,5k and pie bis-nya alfamart
nobody ever told me that being a human is tough.
i don’t say it is troublesome, just tough.
i used to retrieve my childhood, getting up to see some old cartoons while eating my breakfast. time in days went bold but satisfying. i ate well and talked a lot. i spent my late nights in mangas i used to rent by my pocket money or books i borrowed from an independent library near my house.
coffee has been my loyal company since, i believed, forever. i stuck my ass on that old rattan chair and studying table my grandfather made. i did a lot of things on that table: the good to bad deeds, reality confrontation to sexual daydreaming, composing what i called stupid to the things they labeled “passion”.
there was an old black radio on top of it. i’ve enjoyed it and it effortlessly became a habit. there is something about listening to people talking that is calming. of course, i did what all teenagers did. i requested a song. regularly, days to nights. to the sad and joy. in rains or bursts of sunshine. it almost felt that they become my “audio diary”— if that scheme ever existed. i even took apart to their quiz, won several of them, and rode my bike after school to pick up the prize!
i had many friends, but there was a process that i learned that quantity surpassed quality. my mommy said, “don’t let people who cared down.”. so, yeah, i keep ones mutually cared. pretending to love someone you honestly don’t care is hard, but i get used to it. it’s not fake, it is just being human.
my family runs on honesty. believe in hard work and god.
i had them running in my veins so i grew up depending on him. it may up some sides, but hey, being raised spiritual is helpful. this life is such a wave and you need something to hold on.
good bye is a sweet sorrow, still i hope the best till we meet morrow.
most of us here are lifers. pensive religion and we are eaten by the crowd.
we are gloating to the checkmate and pretend we aren’t. laying moaning the luck which, shit, gettin’ further from our destination.
“smile, little girl!” he fancy larking on the side of the street.
what a rude acting to chaperone my decision to show happiness or sorrow. look at me getting edgy for your hollering at me.
first thing first, let my poor self tell you: we have to get acquainted.
you have to remember what a mommy says, “don’t stick your nose to other people’s business.” it won’t do you good.
but what can i say, old man? a little ouch! and you have your eyes gawked at me.
“is there something wrong, little girl?” you spit.
huh?
i sincerely wish you could feel what you say, if anything, yes, something can really be construed as wrong.
but i have every confidence. i don’t deal with stupid.
“no.”
i got home feeling famished. my mom, dressed in shoulder to toe flower gown, greeting me way to cheerful from the kitchen counter.
“hi, darling! look! that is the wunderkind i’m talking about.” pointing at the 21 inches tv. a young boy dressed in black suit and pale face looking at the go board religiously. she was smiling too excited, albeit i doubt that prodigy child’s winning had big impact to our very life.
“yeah, cool.” me grabbing a coke from the refrigerator. go, the japanese chess, may not be my cup of tea. too cerebral.
it’s a sad cold night, oh hello void?
this early a.m. is really something. i don’t even know myself, how dare me asking you to understand. of course you won’t have that capability.
I’m tuning to youngblud covering avril lavigne’s i’m with you and yeah it sure hits my freaky vulnerable heart, a good spot to fuck with.
i think i think too much. oh gosh i think too much it’s unhealthy. it’s scary to be frank. i am certain don’t wanna be melodramatic bitch but the thing within this ribs don’t want to cooperate. i’m asking like are you sure? are you completely recognize what might be happening in the future and you being spoiled and ending up not to get any job done? her say yea i got this and yea, i still hate myself.
this circumstances is dull and i am currently cannot do anything about it. it’s like you actually can level it up but can’t, not because you literally cannot but the moment kind of not right?
im vulnerable, no, i mean, everybody is. it’s just yea, dealing with others is risky, scary. open up would be a target, to keep it down would let me drowning by massive amount of sadness and emptiness and plainess. woah, good stuffs on the plate, can i help you miss?
i miss being honest. like tell me what’s on your mind? do you like what you are doing? your life ok? how many orgasm you’ve been pursuing? are you waiting to clock out? yeah cool. why is it wrong? so lemme ask you how much orgasm then? do you like it? do you get high? one night stands? of course, you are legitimate, have that three hours conversation and when you feel like it is on to have sex, then do. just remember to be careful. i mean, why not. oh what? you wanna have deeper interaction? sure go on. take how long? well you never know. it’s still cool. take your time. it’s fine.
i’m eating and eating, listening to the music, and ignoring, hoping it will give a bit of taste to this boredom.
baby, i am yours, but i am not a good person, i smoke lies and take advantages. i am manipulative. i am so so full of me, would you still be here? would you just stuck with me?
oh sugar, i think i talk too much.
Blanking Fill.
Before subtitle.
While running on subtitle track.
blue side
Panas dan rutinitas. Membosankan dan palsu.
Amplop putih isi tiga lembar seratus ribuan. Pulang motoran sambil membayangkan. “Mau beli apa hari ini?” “Roti bakar atau bakso.” “Kutabung atau kubelikan buku.” “Ke Jogja buat ke Malioboro.” “Ke Rei buat pinjem alat gunung.”
Banyak masuk tinggal mengalir. Berlipat banyak tiada arti.
Empat tempat sehari, kuurus dengan serius. Kaki-kakiku tak mau setop, bernyanyi dan berlari, bermimpi dan heboh.
Kakiku mengeluh bahkan untuk bangun tidur.
09072020
It’s fine. You’ve done your best. Let’s try better next time.
yolo, brh 