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“May I kiss you, then?”

“Why do you even have to ask?”

“I need your consent.” I smiled, trying my best not to show how fuck that mild lust last. That skin texture and the brownish acne scar, I’m a sucker for that.

“Do me, just do.”

And I did.

You know, having, lucky enough, encountered many bitterness in this world, I really see kindness almost like a godsend. Something unreal.

There are times when I assumed my way of doing thing’s cool but people find it sucking cheap. Not gonna lie, it hurts. I got really offended and mad. Yet, the more I contemplate, the more I see why. The thing is, I regarded myself so high so distinctive and jumbling around correcting people. I assumed it gave me superpower and satisfaction. I assumed they’ll get wowed. I assumed they’ll get hypnotized and like me, the truth is, they don’t and I’m just a big fat narcissist.

“Hey, look at me!”

I lack many but fill my bone with so much ignorance. I wanna be perfect but perfection kills. It’s like a big clear mirror. I like myself in that reflection to get better, skinnier, wiser, prettier. But sometimes, I get myself too close that I can’t even see anything. It’s just me facing my nose. It’s just me and nothing.

My perspective towards perfection changes gradually over time. Perfection is now more like an inside job. How I see the world is MY inside job.

“Tong kosong berbunyi nyaring.”

Yeah, that’s me. I like the way Tuhan rings the bell. The burns I feel every time I get offended is my warning sign, telling me to shut up and touch the ground. People are going through something. ALL of us are. There’s no need to be such an ass. Plausibly, we can choose to be kind.

teh tong tji 12,5k and pie bis-nya alfamart

nobody ever told me that being a human is tough.

i don’t say it is troublesome, just tough.

i used to retrieve my childhood, getting up to see some old cartoons while eating my breakfast. time in days went bold but satisfying. i ate well and talked a lot. i spent my late nights in mangas i used to rent by my pocket money or books i borrowed from an independent library near my house.

coffee has been my loyal company since, i believed, forever. i stuck my ass on that old rattan chair and studying table my grandfather made. i did a lot of things on that table: the good to bad deeds, reality confrontation to sexual daydreaming, composing what i called stupid to the things they labeled “passion”.

there was an old black radio on top of it. i’ve enjoyed it and it effortlessly became a habit. there is something about listening to people talking that is calming. of course, i did what all teenagers did. i requested a song. regularly, days to nights. to the sad and joy. in rains or bursts of sunshine. it almost felt that they become my “audio diary”— if that scheme ever existed. i even took apart to their quiz, won several of them, and rode my bike after school to pick up the prize!

i had many friends, but there was a process that i learned that quantity surpassed quality. my mommy said, “don’t let people who cared down.”. so, yeah, i keep ones mutually cared. pretending to love someone you honestly don’t care is hard, but i get used to it. it’s not fake, it is just being human.

my family runs on honesty. believe in hard work and god.
i had them running in my veins so i grew up depending on him. it may up some sides, but hey, being raised spiritual is helpful. this life is such a wave and you need something to hold on.

good bye is a sweet sorrow, still i hope the best till we meet morrow.

most of us here are lifers. pensive religion and we are eaten by the crowd.
we are gloating to the checkmate and pretend we aren’t. laying moaning the luck which, shit, gettin’ further from our destination.

“smile, little girl!” he fancy larking on the side of the street.

what a rude acting to chaperone my decision to show happiness or sorrow. look at me getting edgy for your hollering at me.

first thing first, let my poor self tell you: we have to get acquainted.
you have to remember what a mommy says, “don’t stick your nose to other people’s business.” it won’t do you good.

but what can i say, old man? a little ouch! and you have your eyes gawked at me.

“is there something wrong, little girl?” you spit.

huh?

i sincerely wish you could feel what you say, if anything, yes, something can really be construed as wrong.

but i have every confidence. i don’t deal with stupid.

“no.”

i got home feeling famished. my mom, dressed in shoulder to toe flower gown, greeting me way to cheerful from the kitchen counter.

“hi, darling! look! that is the wunderkind i’m talking about.” pointing at the 21 inches tv. a young boy dressed in black suit and pale face looking at the go board religiously. she was smiling too excited, albeit i doubt that prodigy child’s winning had big impact to our very life.

“yeah, cool.” me grabbing a coke from the refrigerator. go, the japanese chess, may not be my cup of tea. too cerebral.

it’s a sad cold night, oh hello void?

this early a.m. is really something. i don’t even know myself, how dare me asking you to understand. of course you won’t have that capability.

I’m tuning to youngblud covering avril lavigne’s i’m with you and yeah it sure hits my freaky vulnerable heart, a good spot to fuck with.

i think i think too much. oh gosh i think too much it’s unhealthy. it’s scary to be frank. i am certain don’t wanna be melodramatic bitch but the thing within this ribs don’t want to cooperate. i’m asking like are you sure? are you completely recognize what might be happening in the future and you being spoiled and ending up not to get any job done? her say yea i got this and yea, i still hate myself.

this circumstances is dull and i am currently cannot do anything about it. it’s like you actually can level it up but can’t, not because you literally cannot but the moment kind of not right?

im vulnerable, no, i mean, everybody is. it’s just yea, dealing with others is risky, scary. open up would be a target, to keep it down would let me drowning by massive amount of sadness and emptiness and plainess. woah, good stuffs on the plate, can i help you miss?

i miss being honest. like tell me what’s on your mind? do you like what you are doing? your life ok? how many orgasm you’ve been pursuing? are you waiting to clock out? yeah cool. why is it wrong? so lemme ask you how much orgasm then? do you like it? do you get high? one night stands? of course, you are legitimate, have that three hours conversation and when you feel like it is on to have sex, then do. just remember to be careful. i mean, why not. oh what? you wanna have deeper interaction? sure go on. take how long? well you never know. it’s still cool. take your time. it’s fine.

i’m eating and eating, listening to the music, and ignoring, hoping it will give a bit of taste to this boredom.

baby, i am yours, but i am not a good person, i smoke lies and take advantages. i am manipulative. i am so so full of me, would you still be here? would you just stuck with me?

oh sugar, i think i talk too much.

blue side

Panas dan rutinitas. Membosankan dan palsu.

Amplop putih isi tiga lembar seratus ribuan. Pulang motoran sambil membayangkan. “Mau beli apa hari ini?” “Roti bakar atau bakso.” “Kutabung atau kubelikan buku.” “Ke Jogja buat ke Malioboro.” “Ke Rei buat pinjem alat gunung.”

Banyak masuk tinggal mengalir. Berlipat banyak tiada arti.

Empat tempat sehari, kuurus dengan serius. Kaki-kakiku tak mau setop, bernyanyi dan berlari, bermimpi dan heboh.

Kakiku mengeluh bahkan untuk bangun tidur.

naui ajusshi

minggu lalu, saat libur jumat agung lalu sabtu, dan minggu, aku maraton drama korea naui ajusshi, 16 episode. dramanya bagus, bagus banget. dari situ aku belajar, bahwa sudahlah, gak usah melow-melow banget. gak usah sedih banget, kamu harus tahu bahwa yang sedang berjuang, yang kerja, yang capek mental dan fisik, gak cuma kamu aja. kamu jangan manja. banyak orang struggle hal yang sama, bahkan lebih parah, jadi, semangat, ya. bertahan ya, hwaiting!

i know, ini receh banget, dapet semacam penguatan dari drama korea.

tapi setidaknya, dari sana kamu bisa ambil pelajaran. bahwa masih banyak orang baik. bahwa kamu gak sendiri. bahwa kamu harus sayang sama diri kamu. bahwa gak papa kamu nangis. gak papa ngerasa capek. gak papa jadi manusia.

kamu harus bahagia. let’s be happy. akan ada masa kamu ngelihat ke belakang dan ketawa, it’s like connecting the dots, isn’t it? gak semua harus kamu pahami saat ini juga. so, gwenchana, let’s together be happy!

1 April

1 April.

Pada kenyataanya, dulu, aku tidak berada dalam kondisi yang tepat untuk menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang.

Apa yang akan kau lakukan jika pada umur 20 lalu, kita bertemu?

“Aku pikir kita tidak akan bisa bersama.”

Kenapa? Kau takut tidak bisa mengendalikanku? Bersamaku?

“…”

Kurasa kita punya insecurities masing-masing. Aku sibuk mengurusi duniaku. Kau dengan duniamu.

Pada waktu itu, aku tidak punya kemampuan untuk menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang. Financially, mentally.

Kau pernah merasa kesepian?

“Iya, tentu saja. Aku juga remaja pada umumnya.”

Apa yang kau lakukan? Apa yang kau lakukan waktu temen-temen kamu sibuk pacaran, nongkrong, lihat konser?

“Main game.”

“Belajar.”

“Kau?”

Aku? Hm. Aku sibuk kerja HAHAHA. Aku punya banyak keinginan, tapi gengsi minta sama orang tua. Harga diriku tinggi untuk minta duit. They have things to think. They do their best to raise us three. I do my own, kemana, untuk apa pun, aku sendiri. Aku gak pernah menyesal. Aku bangga bisa hidup seperti ini.

“Good for you.”

Kenapa ya? Hidup ini lucu. Ada hal yang tidak bisa aku dapatkan saat aku sangat menginginkannya. Tetapi datang di saat aku bahkan tidak sedang mengharapkannya.

“Kau tanya kenapa kita tidak bisa mengendalikan hidup?”

Iya. HAHAHAHA. Aku suka mengendalikan hidup. Selama ini aku mengusahakan mimpiku. Hampir semua yang pernah aku bayangkan, jadi kenyataan.

Tapi kadang, ada hal yang entah bagaimana, susah.

“Belum. Klise: a matter of time?”

HAHAHA. Kayaknya ‘klise’ awet jadi bahan jawaban karena masih relevan.

“Iya.”

You know, aku beruntung bertemu denganmu.

“Aku juga.”

Mungkin kalau dulu kita ketemu. Kita tidak akan bisa seperti sekarang.

“Think so.”

Kita berantakan. Kiat belum siap.

“Kurasa itu benar, don’t rush time.”

Itu apa?

“Kopi, dicampur jahe, sereh, sama kunir.”

“Mau?”

Pahit?

“Iya.”

“Cobalah, you get used to it once you dip it down.”

Enggak. Aku pusing minum kopi. Tapi aku suka baunya. Seksi gimana gitu.

“…”